m i s a n t h r o p y.

Last Sunday, I realized that we don't have control over what goes on in anyone's lives. Even our own lives... I mean, yes we can make choices but those choices eventually lead to consequences... And some of these consequences, we aren't even aware of... until they happen to bite you right in the ass.

You think these people will get married, and the next day you find out they broke up because someone was cheating. I guess it's not that we don't have control over what's happening in our lives... But I guess some people refuse to think it through and realize, "Hey... I'm not just fucking up my life, but someone else's too!"

Another thing I realized is that no matter what you notice about someone face-value... It doesn't immediately mean that that's what's going on. Sometimes... It really isn't. A person has so many facades that it's almost ridiculous what a person has to go through nowadays just to peel away the masks of another person... Just to get in. It doesn't mean that if a person is smiling, than their happy and everything is right in their world. Sometimes, those who smile, are those who have experienced pain for far too long... So long that they can't remember why people really smile anymore. Maybe I'm not making any sense...

A misanthrope never does anyway.

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Not really.

Xavier University's enrollment began last November 3 and to say that the whole thing spelled EPIC FAIL is a sad understatement. The lines were insane and reached the gate and almost out the street. People were yelling and complaining and just blowing out more hot air in the already hot atmosphere.

I felt sorry for the SVs most of the time. For the three times that I lined up there, angry students marched right up to them like they were something and yelled and complained about how inefficient the school's system was. Well, that part was true but I hardly think that yelling at a fellow student who's just trying to help out will change anything.

Though sometimes the SVs also did not show any maturity on their part. I mean yes, someone yells at you, calls you inefficient when they don't know your side of the story and how difficult being patient to random impatient people are when you could use time for something that could benefit them... But really, just when the person turns their back on the SV, please don't say "Fuck" 10 times in one sentence. It's almost like stooping to the person (complaining)'s idiocy, si?

Also, the last message for fellow students of the University, you think it'd be cool enough if you guys helped without complaining and cutting in line? That is like... so uncool. And now I leave you a note from Alexander Goking, one of the SVs from the XUMMAA:


When a large volume of Universty students transforms into a mass zombie attack and you have no real form of crowd control like a firehose that launches pepper spray, you're bound to to break something living...

PS: See the answer to that? Mass Zombie attacks won't change anything with loads of pepper spray or breaking something living. I think it's all about the love... Or in Xavier University's case... The lack of it.

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I've been at my friend, Ate Gibby's place since last night for a Praise and Worship retreat with the band. And this morning we've been watching Hillsong DVDs for more than a few hours since they don't have cable. We've been through This is our God and now we're watching Alive and it's just awesome you know? I'm not sure if it makes a lot of sense but it's just so awesome. Right now, I just really wanna fly there and worship with them. It's so amazing the abandoneness that they show when they worship. I wish people in our church had that same passion and abandon for Jesus. I dunno... I dunno... I guess it's just me... Just.. I dunno.



He took my place
Knowing He'd be crucified
And You loved...
You loved a people undeserving

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Let's start with his name: John Joseph L. Alboladora. Born a few hours before me, I met him in Sophomore year when I transferred to Corpus Christi High School. The first time I noticed him... Well, I honest-to-God thought he was hopelessly gay. I was totally wrong but oh well. Is it weird that I suddenly started crushing on a supposed "gay" guy? Well, anyway, he was, is and will never be gay so those who are hoping for a chance, sorry to burst your bubble.

Anyway... This on again-off again liking thing with Joseph lasted till Senior year when I suddenly grew tired of taking the effort to like someone, thanks to Marco (that's another story) who... Well...

Just before graduation, let's just say Joseph did some major fucking up and he went and broke the heart of his best friend, Matthew, by fucking up. His best friend didn't know that it was his fault... And every day he would mope and break into little pieces, not even having an inkling that his best friend was the cause of his misery. The person who comforted him and lifted him back up was the very reason he kept falling.

I, for some strange reason, was privy to this information and couldn't help but be mad at Joseph; I mean come on... Fucking up that badly and just watching your best friend's heart bleed out and support him, knowing that it was all his fault... I wouldn't be able to bear the guilt.

So I stopped liking him, stopped talking to him, stopped... everything. I guess the romantic part of me (the pathetic part) hoped that one day in some twisted alternate reality there would be something between us but the day I found out what he did... That part of me... That part of my heart died.

I left for California in the summer to spend some time with relatives and my mother; chilling and having a generally awesome time. When I came back, I realized that he wouldn't talk to me anymore. By the time I had come back from the US of A, what he had fucked up was back to normal; Matt had his so-called happily ever after and he wasn't being a nuisance anymore... And so much time had passed that I had already forgiven and forgotten the anger and resentment that I had hidden (not very well, I might add) inside of me.

Then one day, in some odd twist of fate, he was at my church attending a vigil service of a relative. And my group was singing for the service. I walked down the stairs and saw him at the bottom; I lifted my hand to wave and he passed me by... Just as if I was as transparent as air. So I guess he was mad now...

The thought infuriated me. I had done nothing to warrant something like that. And yes, I had been mad at him before but I had forgotten it and he deserved it. I dunno... I guess... I still feel awkward. We mingle amongst the same circles and all of them know that we don't speak. All of them knew how hung up I was on him. All of them knew well... every goddamn thing.

And I find it pathetically weak of me to have not gotten over him. I mean... He dances and my heart just stops. I look at him and I don't know if my blood runs cold because he's there or because he doesn't know I'm there.

Today at BCS, the Sole2Soul danced with the alumni (aka our batch) and he was there. I kept ranting about this chick who had a Stanford hoodie that I hella wanted (I REALLY REALLY WANT IT.) but April just said, and I quote: "Shut up Sab. You still like him. So bad."

Fuck this.



John Joseph L. Alboladora: Bane of my Existence.

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So I'm not sure where this post is coming from (I'm pretty sure I'm not grieving over Daryl because it was after all just liking). Maybe it's from listening to Coldplay's Fix You one too many times and realizing that the break is pretty damn boring when you got no one with you. Maybe it's from realizing that November's almost here and there's a slight chance that Nikki's coming home and that means meeting up.

Wasn't it way better when we all lived happily, blissfully unaware of how much we actually secretly wanted each other? Wasn't it way better when we we tried to tamp down the feelings of loneliness even when we were in a sea of people? I don't know where these words are coming from actually; I just feel a little weirder than usual (which is saying something), as if... I dunno. Something. Anything.

Don't worry, I promise these type of nonsensical rambles won't be frequent and will have large spaces of time between them.

I blame the music. The idleness. This slowly dying heart of mine. Stupid misanthrope.

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Goodmorning... I think. I find it amusing that my father woke me up (a few minutes ago) to tell me to go downstairs to sleep and I tried to but I just felt so awake that I didn't bother. So here's blog post#2 and all I can say is that I'm excited for later. Why am I excited? Oh for the simple reason that the F A L L E N will be reunited for a night. Yays. :)

Who/What is the FALLEN? It's just a group of people who became good friends through a lot of experiences together (good and bad) and food. We're a group, a crazy group but a group nonetheless. The stories could make this post a large ramble of nothing so I'll stick to telling you how awesome we are instead. :P

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On other things, I'm already bored and it's just the third day of Semestral Break. God help me to be more useful/productive and not be so damn lazy. I'm glad that my weekend will be semi-busy; what with tonight, the Youth Sunday and the other things that require my so-called attention. I just hope I don't forget about the powerpoints again. Anyway...

I think that's enough ramble for a few hours; I'll go have breakfast and maybe pass the time with some reading; ciao. ♥


Love is the voice under all silences, the hope which has no opposite in fear; the strength so strong mere force is feebleness: the truth more first than sun, more last than star...

-e.e. Cummings

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So well... Here we are again, another ramble on a blog that no one will probably bother to open but here we are... Yet again. This is Juliet's fault I say... Getting me interested in blogging again, but well... I haven't the place to put all my ramblings anymore. Multiply's too crowded, and Facebook was never the place for rambles. So welcome to m i s a n t h r o p y.

It's too late in the night... Or maybe too early in the morning, for me to give any "insights" on anything substantial so here's my first post. It's short and silly and full of nonsense, but here it is. Sweetest dreams... Don't forget to wish on the moon.

Heavens! Can anything more cruel be conceived, and was ever a heart treated like mine? What! I am justly angry with her, I come to complain, and I am quarreled with instead! My grief and my suspicions are excited to the utmost, I am allowed to believe everything, she boasts of everything; and yet, my heart is still sufficiently mean not to be able to break the bonds that hold it fast, and not to arm itself with a generous contempt for the ungrateful object of which it is too much enamoured.Perfidious woman, you know well how to take advantage of my great weakness, and to employ for your own purpose that excessive, astonishing, and fatal love which your treacherous looks have inspired! Defend yourself at least from this crime that overwhelms me, and stop pretending to be guilty. Show me, if you can, that this letter is innocent; my affection will even consent to assist you. At any rate, endeavour to appear faithful, and I shall strive to believe you such.

The Misanthrope - Moliere

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