m i s a n t h r o p y.

I like to think that I'm intelligent enough to understand when a person is playing with my feelings but there are just those special people who end up fooling me into thinking, "Hey... Maybe this is something worth waiting for; something... something."

You're one of the people that I hoped would always be around for me to talk to and just be with; you're great company... You make me laugh and you're a sweetheart so no matter how many times you disappear from my life or how many times I run away, I'd come back and I hoped you would too. But each reconciliation is getting harder and harder... And I don't like it that you're breaking my heart... You're the good guy; you're supposed to be the good guy. I don't like crying for you.

You're the guy that I secretly wish I'd end up with; that even through ALL the crazy circumstances and even after all the SHIT we've been through, it'd still be you and me. And I'd still be your angel and you'd still be my bestfriend, the one I could tell anything to. You tell me what you want but sometimes I think, you're just playing a game with me and I dread the day I realize that I was right all along and you didn't really love me or think that I was anything special. That would just make me really sad.

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Last Sunday, I realized that we don't have control over what goes on in anyone's lives. Even our own lives... I mean, yes we can make choices but those choices eventually lead to consequences... And some of these consequences, we aren't even aware of... until they happen to bite you right in the ass.

You think these people will get married, and the next day you find out they broke up because someone was cheating. I guess it's not that we don't have control over what's happening in our lives... But I guess some people refuse to think it through and realize, "Hey... I'm not just fucking up my life, but someone else's too!"

Another thing I realized is that no matter what you notice about someone face-value... It doesn't immediately mean that that's what's going on. Sometimes... It really isn't. A person has so many facades that it's almost ridiculous what a person has to go through nowadays just to peel away the masks of another person... Just to get in. It doesn't mean that if a person is smiling, than their happy and everything is right in their world. Sometimes, those who smile, are those who have experienced pain for far too long... So long that they can't remember why people really smile anymore. Maybe I'm not making any sense...

A misanthrope never does anyway.

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Not really.

Xavier University's enrollment began last November 3 and to say that the whole thing spelled EPIC FAIL is a sad understatement. The lines were insane and reached the gate and almost out the street. People were yelling and complaining and just blowing out more hot air in the already hot atmosphere.

I felt sorry for the SVs most of the time. For the three times that I lined up there, angry students marched right up to them like they were something and yelled and complained about how inefficient the school's system was. Well, that part was true but I hardly think that yelling at a fellow student who's just trying to help out will change anything.

Though sometimes the SVs also did not show any maturity on their part. I mean yes, someone yells at you, calls you inefficient when they don't know your side of the story and how difficult being patient to random impatient people are when you could use time for something that could benefit them... But really, just when the person turns their back on the SV, please don't say "Fuck" 10 times in one sentence. It's almost like stooping to the person (complaining)'s idiocy, si?

Also, the last message for fellow students of the University, you think it'd be cool enough if you guys helped without complaining and cutting in line? That is like... so uncool. And now I leave you a note from Alexander Goking, one of the SVs from the XUMMAA:


When a large volume of Universty students transforms into a mass zombie attack and you have no real form of crowd control like a firehose that launches pepper spray, you're bound to to break something living...

PS: See the answer to that? Mass Zombie attacks won't change anything with loads of pepper spray or breaking something living. I think it's all about the love... Or in Xavier University's case... The lack of it.

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I've been at my friend, Ate Gibby's place since last night for a Praise and Worship retreat with the band. And this morning we've been watching Hillsong DVDs for more than a few hours since they don't have cable. We've been through This is our God and now we're watching Alive and it's just awesome you know? I'm not sure if it makes a lot of sense but it's just so awesome. Right now, I just really wanna fly there and worship with them. It's so amazing the abandoneness that they show when they worship. I wish people in our church had that same passion and abandon for Jesus. I dunno... I dunno... I guess it's just me... Just.. I dunno.



He took my place
Knowing He'd be crucified
And You loved...
You loved a people undeserving

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Let's start with his name: John Joseph L. Alboladora. Born a few hours before me, I met him in Sophomore year when I transferred to Corpus Christi High School. The first time I noticed him... Well, I honest-to-God thought he was hopelessly gay. I was totally wrong but oh well. Is it weird that I suddenly started crushing on a supposed "gay" guy? Well, anyway, he was, is and will never be gay so those who are hoping for a chance, sorry to burst your bubble.

Anyway... This on again-off again liking thing with Joseph lasted till Senior year when I suddenly grew tired of taking the effort to like someone, thanks to Marco (that's another story) who... Well...

Just before graduation, let's just say Joseph did some major fucking up and he went and broke the heart of his best friend, Matthew, by fucking up. His best friend didn't know that it was his fault... And every day he would mope and break into little pieces, not even having an inkling that his best friend was the cause of his misery. The person who comforted him and lifted him back up was the very reason he kept falling.

I, for some strange reason, was privy to this information and couldn't help but be mad at Joseph; I mean come on... Fucking up that badly and just watching your best friend's heart bleed out and support him, knowing that it was all his fault... I wouldn't be able to bear the guilt.

So I stopped liking him, stopped talking to him, stopped... everything. I guess the romantic part of me (the pathetic part) hoped that one day in some twisted alternate reality there would be something between us but the day I found out what he did... That part of me... That part of my heart died.

I left for California in the summer to spend some time with relatives and my mother; chilling and having a generally awesome time. When I came back, I realized that he wouldn't talk to me anymore. By the time I had come back from the US of A, what he had fucked up was back to normal; Matt had his so-called happily ever after and he wasn't being a nuisance anymore... And so much time had passed that I had already forgiven and forgotten the anger and resentment that I had hidden (not very well, I might add) inside of me.

Then one day, in some odd twist of fate, he was at my church attending a vigil service of a relative. And my group was singing for the service. I walked down the stairs and saw him at the bottom; I lifted my hand to wave and he passed me by... Just as if I was as transparent as air. So I guess he was mad now...

The thought infuriated me. I had done nothing to warrant something like that. And yes, I had been mad at him before but I had forgotten it and he deserved it. I dunno... I guess... I still feel awkward. We mingle amongst the same circles and all of them know that we don't speak. All of them knew how hung up I was on him. All of them knew well... every goddamn thing.

And I find it pathetically weak of me to have not gotten over him. I mean... He dances and my heart just stops. I look at him and I don't know if my blood runs cold because he's there or because he doesn't know I'm there.

Today at BCS, the Sole2Soul danced with the alumni (aka our batch) and he was there. I kept ranting about this chick who had a Stanford hoodie that I hella wanted (I REALLY REALLY WANT IT.) but April just said, and I quote: "Shut up Sab. You still like him. So bad."

Fuck this.



John Joseph L. Alboladora: Bane of my Existence.

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So I'm not sure where this post is coming from (I'm pretty sure I'm not grieving over Daryl because it was after all just liking). Maybe it's from listening to Coldplay's Fix You one too many times and realizing that the break is pretty damn boring when you got no one with you. Maybe it's from realizing that November's almost here and there's a slight chance that Nikki's coming home and that means meeting up.

Wasn't it way better when we all lived happily, blissfully unaware of how much we actually secretly wanted each other? Wasn't it way better when we we tried to tamp down the feelings of loneliness even when we were in a sea of people? I don't know where these words are coming from actually; I just feel a little weirder than usual (which is saying something), as if... I dunno. Something. Anything.

Don't worry, I promise these type of nonsensical rambles won't be frequent and will have large spaces of time between them.

I blame the music. The idleness. This slowly dying heart of mine. Stupid misanthrope.

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So yesterday, Paul, turned Sixteen and of course (in true FALLEN style) we surprised, and kinda embarrassed him (Too bad Charlotte wasn't there; though they did win the Cheerdance Competition). We met up at 4:30 at my place and they planned on what to get him while I headed to church since no one was taking care of the laptop (again). We all met up at the house at about 7-ish and we left for their house in Patag (Aira's family was nice enough to bring us there so we didn't have to spend on transportation :P).

One thing before I continue my story: I hate the street that Paul's house is on. I
just hate it. It's narrow and dark and creepy and I'm always there late at night and it's freakin scary. Aside from that though we started singing happy birthday for him at the gate and we realized halfway through the song that he wasn't even there yet. Lol.

Oh and we got him this card that looks like a shirt (I made it), an awesome-licious Mango Float, and a frame with his picture (because he NEVER gets his picture taken unless he's forced so the fact that he went on a little photoshoot was a little less than a miracle for us).





We ate SO much that it was more than ridiculous: Crab, Shrimp, Lechon, Chicken, and so many other yummy things that his mom had made for the party. Then the dessert. Oh sweet god the desserts were amazing and addicting and I somehow managed to cram more of the stuff into me before I virtually imploded.





We left a little after 10 PM and we took our time walking the crazy scary street in the dark. I had to hook my arms around Paul and Terry to keep walking. Haha. We went to Chams before we dropped Terry home (she lives a block from Paul's). We took a lot of pictures (as usual) and were reeeaaallly loud. It was definitely a lot of fun. :D



So we had a blast and I can't wait for our sleepover probably this Thursday (still crossing my fingers), right after the Blue Corpus Souls Alumni Night. Yays. :D

Viva la FALLEN! <3

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